creeksidealtarboy | TLV Inbox

Hi, Aaron. Do you have a moment to talk? In person.

Of course. Where do you want to meet?

Library?

[He prefers to be off the communicator, but it's not so private as to need more.]

Yeah, I'm actually on my way there now. Pick one of the study rooms and I'll be there.

I'll be in the one closest to the front.

[The other advantage to the library is that he's already there.]

[It only takes a couple of minutes before Aaron is knocking at the door of the study room and walking inside.]

Hey man. What's up?

Hey.

[Nathaniel could never talk as informally as Aaron, but he's informal for him, and as ease with the small gaps. He grins at him.]

Now that you're a warden, I thought you might have some useful information. [As if someone being a warden doesn't usually make Nathaniel less likely to talk.]

[He groans, but it's playful as he sinks into his chair.]

No. Well, not really. They got a whole warden room for themselves where they have that ledger. But they don't say shit to each other that we couldn't figure out for themselves.

Unless you want something specific?

You could suggest a trust building game where you share strengths and weaknesses.

[An innocent suggestion. Actually, that would be pretty funny. But he does have something specific.]

Have you ever apologized to someone. In a way where you meant it.

[Now that would be funny. He amuses himself for a moment while he considers it. The question, though, brings him back to the conversation.]

Uh. Yeah, actually. Think it was probably part of my graduation and all that.

It would help build trust in your colleagues.

[The rest is a lot less fun. He does expect that apologies often are part of graduation, but his reluctance to give them aren't just because he doesn't feel bad. The 'why' his difficult to talk about, but he thinks Aaron might understand. Not that Nathaniel can bear to say it directly.]

I used to apologize all the time before I got here. It's what people wanted, or what they said they wanted even though it rarely made much of a noticeable difference.

Yeah. Apologies are real easy to give and people are real happy to get 'em. Especially when you can apologize and make it seem like you're gonna be such a good boy from now on because you feel so terrible.

[He rolls his eyes.]

You wanting to make a real one?

I don't think anyone who wanted my apology thought I'd be good because I felt bad. I think they just wanted me to feel bad.

[Obedience by someone who didn't want to offer it had it's own appeal, apparently. He sighs.]

No, not really.

That's cuz I look more sweet and innocent than you.

[He sits back.]

You feel like you need to? What's the problem?

[He scoffs.]

I hope so.

[The idea of looking sweet and innocent is one he doesn't want to get near. Well, unless it really serves his purposes. He frowns, fiddling with a pen.]

I don't feel that I need to. [Other people might disagree.] It's more... After having to apologize for - existence, I'm not sure if I could make an honest apology, even if I wanted to.

Yeah. I mean...[He sits back, folding his hands.]

It ain't easy to actually mean it. Especially when you just don't fucking mean it.

But if you ever want to, then maybe an apology won't cut it.

I definitely don't. [Even when it's something he truly feels bad about later, he wouldn't mean the apology. He sighs.]

An apology isn't much, but the other ways people talk about 'making up' for something sound even more questionable.

Yeah? What do they talk about that sounds questionable?

Oh, they say stuff about 'action', which I would find deeply suspicious. Besides, I don't think there is action to say 'sorry' about hitting someone with a rock. I get the sense that saying I'd do it again but am choosing not to wouldn't be considered a good 'apology'.

Nah, but it's the truth. I think it's more like...the apology ain't for you to make you feel better. The apology is for the other person.

I'd use a bigger rock. I don't believe that making an apology would ever make me feel better. But the most effective method of restitution I know is taking care of someone's enemy. ...Which isn't always viewed as completely acceptable. Do you think an insincere apology - said sincerely, obviously - would make someone else feel better?

[So would Aaron.

But he doesn't say that.]

Yeah, as long as you don't turn around and do the same thing again.

I suppose a lot of people do have low standards.

[He can't make them have higher ones, just because an apology is pretty pathetic.]

Thanks.

[He really does appreciate the perspective of someone he likes and who he suspects of understanding... relatively normal in a way that most of his friends don't.]

Yeah, they really fucking do. I don't think there's anyone who's pissed me off, save one person, who could offer an apology and that would be it.

But that's only cuz that person doesn't ever give apologies and it ain't you.

[Aaron really should examine the company he keeps.]

Exactly. All the stuff I've done that people like my warden would probably say I should apologize for was done to... settle a matter which I felt required an 'apology' for them.

[That's another reason he has no interest in apologizing. He settled that debt himself, which is how it should be.]

In my world, people used to call each other out for duels. I think that's a much better way to put something to rest.

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