creeksidealtarboy | TLV Inbox

[Now that would be funny. He amuses himself for a moment while he considers it. The question, though, brings him back to the conversation.]

Uh. Yeah, actually. Think it was probably part of my graduation and all that.

It would help build trust in your colleagues.

[The rest is a lot less fun. He does expect that apologies often are part of graduation, but his reluctance to give them aren't just because he doesn't feel bad. The 'why' his difficult to talk about, but he thinks Aaron might understand. Not that Nathaniel can bear to say it directly.]

I used to apologize all the time before I got here. It's what people wanted, or what they said they wanted even though it rarely made much of a noticeable difference.

Yeah. Apologies are real easy to give and people are real happy to get 'em. Especially when you can apologize and make it seem like you're gonna be such a good boy from now on because you feel so terrible.

[He rolls his eyes.]

You wanting to make a real one?

I don't think anyone who wanted my apology thought I'd be good because I felt bad. I think they just wanted me to feel bad.

[Obedience by someone who didn't want to offer it had it's own appeal, apparently. He sighs.]

No, not really.

That's cuz I look more sweet and innocent than you.

[He sits back.]

You feel like you need to? What's the problem?

[He scoffs.]

I hope so.

[The idea of looking sweet and innocent is one he doesn't want to get near. Well, unless it really serves his purposes. He frowns, fiddling with a pen.]

I don't feel that I need to. [Other people might disagree.] It's more... After having to apologize for - existence, I'm not sure if I could make an honest apology, even if I wanted to.

Yeah. I mean...[He sits back, folding his hands.]

It ain't easy to actually mean it. Especially when you just don't fucking mean it.

But if you ever want to, then maybe an apology won't cut it.

I definitely don't. [Even when it's something he truly feels bad about later, he wouldn't mean the apology. He sighs.]

An apology isn't much, but the other ways people talk about 'making up' for something sound even more questionable.

Yeah? What do they talk about that sounds questionable?

Oh, they say stuff about 'action', which I would find deeply suspicious. Besides, I don't think there is action to say 'sorry' about hitting someone with a rock. I get the sense that saying I'd do it again but am choosing not to wouldn't be considered a good 'apology'.

Nah, but it's the truth. I think it's more like...the apology ain't for you to make you feel better. The apology is for the other person.

I'd use a bigger rock. I don't believe that making an apology would ever make me feel better. But the most effective method of restitution I know is taking care of someone's enemy. ...Which isn't always viewed as completely acceptable. Do you think an insincere apology - said sincerely, obviously - would make someone else feel better?

[So would Aaron.

But he doesn't say that.]

Yeah, as long as you don't turn around and do the same thing again.

I suppose a lot of people do have low standards.

[He can't make them have higher ones, just because an apology is pretty pathetic.]

Thanks.

[He really does appreciate the perspective of someone he likes and who he suspects of understanding... relatively normal in a way that most of his friends don't.]

Yeah, they really fucking do. I don't think there's anyone who's pissed me off, save one person, who could offer an apology and that would be it.

But that's only cuz that person doesn't ever give apologies and it ain't you.

[Aaron really should examine the company he keeps.]

Exactly. All the stuff I've done that people like my warden would probably say I should apologize for was done to... settle a matter which I felt required an 'apology' for them.

[That's another reason he has no interest in apologizing. He settled that debt himself, which is how it should be.]

In my world, people used to call each other out for duels. I think that's a much better way to put something to rest.

[He laughs.]

Hell yeah. That's a much better way of handling shit.

Did I ever tell you why I was an inmate in the first place?

[It's a proper way to satisfy honor and settle grudges, without needing to pretend to feel bad.]

Not in detail.

[He pauses a moment, trying to frame it in a generic way.]

Most of the adults in my life fucking suck. Dad beat me, had a teacher that just wanted to sleep with me, and I got taken in by a priest who was - well, you know what a pervert is? Anyway, he wasn't a good man. And so I got fucking sick of it.

Killed my ex-girlfriend to keep her quiet and then butchered the guy and they made me go to trial, and I manipulated my counsel into revealing the shit that the guy had did so everyone could know what he did to me and the other kids.

But that was the reason I was a fucking inmate. Not because I killed the guy that deserved it. But because I killed the girl that didn't...and because all I knew how to do was lie and manipulate.

It's about the context of it. That's what I got out of it. It ain't about giving apologies that don't mean shit.

[He can see the picture, and that Aaron would tell him the story -]

I'm glad that you got the chance to kill him.

I framed my master. I didn't really mean to - I was just a kid. He had let someone else hurt me, and he did nothing. So I decided to take something from the other person. I had it hidden in my master's study, to distract attention, but I didn't realize he'd be killed over it.

After that...

I didn't kill anyone who didn't deserve it. I wasn't certain I'd survive it, but once there was a chance of course I said whatever I could to get out of trouble. [He didn't want to die. He still doesn't. He also doesn't think he's on the Barge for just his sensible amount of lying and manipulation. Though those might play a small part.]

If I go to a different world, I won't have magic. I wouldn't be able to protect myself, like I could there. That's what I know how to do.

[Aaron frowns a little.]

I told my warden the same thing. Sorta. That I needed a knife because the only thing I have to protect myself is my lies and he took that away from me when he told people about me.

I immediately fucked it up, but - but you don't just have magic, man. You're fucking smart.

[Nathaniel has a great deal of confidence in his own abilities. It's not an undeserved confidence, in certain respects, which makes it easier for him to focus on that instead of worrying about what he has as a person under that.

He's not entirely sure where one thing ends and another might begin, but it's something to think about.]

Thanks. For talking about - this.

Sure. Any time.

[He glances back.]

Gonna get me some books and I'll come back, alright?

[And they can read and ignore each other like god intended.]

[He nods agreement. Truly, Aaron is one of the real ones.]

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